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Wednesday, 6 March 2019

Grief and gardening

I'm not going to sugar coat it, but this last week has been an absolute bastard.  I hurt so much inside that sometimes I cannot breathe properly.  That's not just an expression, there have been occasions when I have had to stop and make a conscious effort to get my lungs full of air.  I haven't yet cried properly either and I know that is not healthy, and I need to "get it out" but so far haven't been able to.  I am planning on going to Animal Care soon to take Daisy's bedding, and toys, and the mountain of food stockpiled in a cupboard.  Suspect that will 'open the floodgates'.



Management is fortunate in that he can lose himself in a book, it is his way of shutting out pain and works well for him.  I cannot read at present, I gaze at the words and know that my brain recognises them but nothing goes in.  My sanctuary has been a couple of sessions in the greenhouse.  When we went food shopping we stocked up on compost.



Potted on those little box plants, put up more of the brilliant Anemone 'Mr Ruffell' (from Wilko), something I can do whilst on automatic.









Treated myself to some alpine planters and potted up the little sempervivums I rescued from B&Q.  Gosh, they do look fabulous if I say so myself, and have come out exactly as I'd imagined they might.  When I went to register the pots for their 10 year guarantee I found they are made not far from here - Errington Reay near Hexham, shall have to visit if I am over that way.  The pots have been topped up with gravel since I took this picture.





A little bark chip spread, but it has generally been too wet and cold to be outside, hence work in the greenhouse.  Good to have another bed finished though.



Gave the overwintered parsley a good chop, and running the dehydrator in the greenhouse produced a degree or two of heat which was nice to work in.





Never a dull moment here - one morning we woke up to snow, although it did not last.







And at 6.30am we also had huge water tankers outside.  Another major burst pipe which United Utilities were scrabbling around trying to fix (although they had to find it first, which apparently took a while as it was underground).  They often use a hydrant outside the house to put water back into the system.  At one point we had six of these massive wagons trying to line themselves up in our relatively small road.  It was fairly amusing, in an abstract sort of way, and the drivers were pleasant and very interesting to chat with.  Never a dull moment.





Today it was too cold, wet, dull and foul to even be in the greenhouse, so I have sewed all day.  Maybe I'll blog that tomorrow?





49 comments:

  1. Jayne, no words other than to say I love the photo of Daisy - email coming your way later x

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    1. Thank you my friend, there is nothing anyone can say, but we’ll get there. xx

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  2. When I lost my best boy I remember feeling like someone had physically punched me. It's very early days Jayne and to be expected, so be kind to yourself and I expect it will be a release once those tears start to flow. X

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    1. Thank you for saying that Jules. Sometimes it feels as if I have been hit in the chest, helps greatly to hear that it is not just me, although I am sad you had to experience it too. x x

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  3. Dear Jayne
    That's what grief does - some days you feel that you can cope and others it hits you in the stomach and you can't do a thing. All you can do is take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself.
    Best wishes
    Ellie

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  4. Gardening really is the best distraction. I always find a spell in the greenhouse tidying the scented pelargoniums takes my mind off anything else. You'll work through it in your own time, everyone is different. Good luck with the visit to Animal Care. Debbie xx

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    1. Hi Debbie, I remember you had a lovely collection of scented pelargoniums. Thanks. xx

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  5. What we do & the way we do it is all very personal when we need to cope due to grief/stress/tiredness or whatever is making us feel low at the time. Received & read email last night, but tired after a much needed day out (only been out to do grocery shopping on Tuesday), in about 8 days. Will catch up today. Keep warm & take care. Huggles.

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    1. Thanks so much Susan. Got your email this morning. {hug}

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  6. One day at a time. Some days will be overwhelming, others manageable. There's no pattern to how we're affected by grief. Like you, I always feel better after a bit of fresh air in the garden. I wouldn't rush anything - it can all wait until a better day.
    My 2 rabbits (long story as to how I offered them a home) would devour your parsley in about 2 minutes!).

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    1. Clearly you need a Bunny Blog . . . .

      and yes, this cannot be rushed, it will all happen when it is meant to.

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  7. The only thing you can do is keep finding solace where you can, as I'm sure many people will tell you there are no right or wrong ways to grieve, just your way so please be gentle with yourself and with management and continue to take each day as it comes.

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    1. You are very kind Tanya, and understanding. thank you.

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  8. As others say you have to find your own way through times like this. No too people use the same route. You certainly seem to be channelling your grief in lots of productivity. Physical pain often seems to be a symptom of grieving something that no,drugs only time can dull.

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    1. I have a lot of hours to fill Sue, the stark reality is I used to spend ages with Daisy every day.

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  9. Give yourself time Jayne - remember grief is personal to you, it comes in stages. Feeling sad, shocked, or numb is normal. It just means that you’re mourning the loss of someone precious - Daisy. It’s ok to be angry, to cry or not to cry. It’s also ok to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready. Sending you hugs and sunshine to garden by xxxx

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    1. You are so right, dear Kate, and I know you really understand. Thank you, my lovely girl. xx

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  10. I am so sorry. I just read my blog and I saw you have lost your sweet Daisy.
    My heart is breaking for you, In the last few years I have lost 3 gud dugs and I swore no more gud dugs. Well I have 2
    and there might be more.
    I cry everyday still. They all have taken a piece of my heart but filled it with some of their sweet lovely hearts.

    Be well
    cheers, parsnip

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    1. Hi G, thank you so much. I have no idea how you have managed to survive three losses in such a short space of time, my hat goes off to you for being able to open yourself to all this and give so many gud babies a new home.

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  11. Sometimes when I've been feeling really bad, I watch a sad movie like Steel Magnolias, or Stepmom. Then if I cry at the sad parts it's really just an excuse to cry about what's making me sad in real life. Strange that sometimes we need permission to let the tears out.
    I think of Daisy every day, when Dolly demands a hug, or is being cute. I'm resolved to make the most of every day I have her, because we never know what's around the corner. Daisy had a huge fan club, we all miss her. I hope each day is easier to get through.

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    1. Bless your heart Keryn. I wish you could have met Daisy in person, if you ever see Susan at a show she'll tell you what a beautiful girl she really was, having met her twice. Thank you for saying she had a 'fan club'. That's so lovely. Give Dolly a cuddle please, and a new bit of quilt to snuggle in. xx

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  12. I've been thinking about you Jayne. I know for sure that having a good cry will relaese some of the hurt you're feeling. Going to the Animal Care will be hard for you. Sending my love and a huge hug xx

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    1. It will happen Eileen, but I cannot force it, Dog knows I've tried. I know how much you care, thank you. xx

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  13. I can only imagine what you're going through right now, having had dogs, cats and other animals in the past I know how hard it is when they're no longer with us. I just found out yesterday that Archie's mum died on Tuesday, she was just coming up to twelve. It's such a sad time at the moment. We all grieve in different ways and different emotions hit us at different times, the crying will come at some point. I love the photo of Daisy in this post, you have so many lovely photos of her.

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    1. Oh Jo, I am so sorry to hear about Archie's Mum - a horrible reminder of the inevitable that we are all going to face with our babies.

      I am fortunate that Daisy was so photogenic, and yes, there are loads of pictures, most of which not good enough to blog, but they all give me pleasure. xx

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  14. Digging in the dirt is very therapeutic. I need to do some final cleaning up. With the warmer winter, things are about to start growing big time. It's been so wet that I've been putting off working on the hillside because of the muck.

    I missed my Tiger kitty for years and years, half expecting him to be behind me sometimes and I would turn to make sure I didn't step on him or fall over him. Little stinker. All your photos may not have made it to the blog but they mean something to you and that's all that counts. Hugs to you and Mgmt.

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    1. It was months before I stopped looking for Ollie, and we are both still expecting to see Daisy in front of the fire, on the sofa, under my feet in the kitchen.

      Hope you get in your garden soon, thank goodness we had such wonderful February weather and got a little ahead. I was thinking this morning how glad I am that Daisy's last month gave many her opportunities to get into the sun, or sit on the balcony and watch the world go by.

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  15. That’s a lovely photo of Daisy surrounded by daisies. Daisy was really photogenic. My dog hates having her photo taken and usually turns away just as I press the shutter button! This was such a sudden and unexpected death that it’s no wonder you ahvent been able to cry yet; you are still dealing with shock and disbelief. Grief comes in waves that manifest in physical as well as mental pain, often at the most unexpected times. Hugs. DebS.

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    1. Thank you Deb, Her Ladyship had plenty of "no publicity" days. That's why I have hundreds of not-very-good photos on the hard drive, those are the ones which won't get blogged, but I am happy to have them.

      You are spot on - it's the shock and suddenness which has struck us down.

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  16. He is lucky he can lose himself in a book. My husband can lose himself, working in his shop. Where he does all sorts of wood projects and etc....

    Finding things you can do on automatic, is your way of at least trying to "lose yourself." It's good, that you have the greenhouse. And this drive, to plant. Or to sew...

    Like trying to "sew-patches-on-yourself"..... At a time, when all the "patches" in the world, would not help. But it's the best you can do, to keep trying to "sew them on"... Because it will do no one any good, to let yourself really descend too deeply.

    The trip to the Shelter, will hopefully, be the trigger needed, to open the flood gates and .... Be therapeutic.. I hope...

    Keep writing.... It is said, that doing so, is good for us....

    Gentle hugs, Dear One

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    1. Thank you so much Wisp, as always, such wisdom. Yes, writing is very cathartic for me, I admit I am doing this very much "for myself". 💕

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  17. What a gorgeous photo, of your Girl, in the flowers..........

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    1. Daisy in the daisies - did you notice the half eaten Bonio at her feet?

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  18. Grief is a heavy thing for such a huge, empty hole and has it's own bloody awful timetable. I think it's incredibly hard to function through the pain and keeping busy with tasks that require attention but not too much brain power can be a great help. Big ((hugs)) and thinking of you often.xx

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    1. Thanks m'dear, you are always so perfectly on target - yes to everything you say. And thank you. 💚

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  19. That picture of Daisy made me hear up again. She looks so happy and that is such a good way to remember her. I like Keryn's comment about Daisy having a fan club! So true.

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    1. Thanks Patty. I get all emotional knowing that Daisy was loved by so many, even those friends who never met her. 🐾

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  20. I've never commented before, on any blog or felt a need/want to, but since seeing the journey you've been on with Daisy I've written comments and then deleted them. A social anxiety that I struggle with, no words were enough to convey how sorry I was, that I have been thinking of what you are both going through and can whole heartedly sympathise. In the last 6 years my wife and I have lost 5 cats, all who should have had lots of life ahead of them and only our last who we lost this year got to a senior age. We lost our much loved dog before she was 5 years old to liver cancer that seemed to change her overnight and took a heart breaking month to find by which point she was literally half the dog she was from before. I will always have regrets for that month, not to go into detail but we were very firm with the vets but we were also stuck with those vets and so the process was longer than it should have been to our anger. Every loss has been devastating, the silence and the looking for them constantly as if they will walk through that door.. We left each of their things in place for a day before removing them, I don't know what was harder seeing it all knowing they wouldn't use it again or not seeing it and knowing it should be there. All grief is different, all the ways we express it are different and I hope this isn't offensive to you but I have admired how you are coping even if it might feel that you aren't. I couldn't see pictures of any of ours afterward, it's taken me years before I could have them out on display again without me silently crying but now I remind myself of all the good they brought to our lives, all the laughter and joy and it helps counter act the grief a little bit. We got Maggie after we lost our dog, not terribly long after, I was drifting without our little shadow and then there was this little ball of fluff who made my heart lighter, made me laugh and smile wide enough to hurt. She's 2 now and sprawled across my lap wrapped in my scarf/shawl because it keeps us warm and she knows I don't refuse her cuddles, I know that in having her in future we'll lose her. I know she hates her photo taken, often to the point of hilarity, so we have to be sneaky and sometimes we capture her on video so we have something of her that will be alive forever. I read a quote the other week the gist of it being grief is the representation of love, great grief means you loved fiercely, our losses prove just how well we have loved. Nothing that's suggested will make this easier for you, I wish it could , no words will magically undo it all, only you can know what is best for you at any difficult time. It sounds to me as though you are both doing exactly what you need to do and that through the blog you shared her with, you have support and love throughout it. Sorry for the ramble and I hope I haven't upset/offended you, I'm going to send this before I chicken out again.

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    1. LJ - welcome. xx. I am honoured and a little humbled that you feel able to comment here, and knowing the wonderful women who have supported me during this awful journey, I feel pretty confident saying they too will be happy to have you here.

      I cannot say I know 'exactly' how you feel about the babies you have lost, but I do understand, as much as anyone can understand someone else's pain.

      Thank you for the time you've spent here.

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    2. Jayne, I just wanted to say what a lovely comment from LJ - experiences I, and no doubt many others, can relate to, and words which many of us are thinking but can't seem to write down. Take care my friend, and I hope LJ sticks around :) x

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    3. What a lovely, heartfelt note. You really have captured exactly how we feel, LJ.

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  21. Thinking of you. I suspect still in shock. Crying will come later and then you will begin to heal. It all takes time and everyone copes in different ways. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks Beverley, you're absolutely right. This happened so fast, was so unexpected, it would be strange if we were not in shock. 🐾

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  22. No matter how much time goes by there are still moments when something triggers a memory and you feel you are right back to square one, right back in that moment when a part of your heart was gone for good.

    I still come down some mornings and expect to see Rosy looking up at me from her bed, and then the picture comes back to me of coming down that final day and realising she had gone, suddenly in the night. It takes much more getting over than you expect it will.

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    1. Thanks Sue. Yesterday was OK, today is not a good day, there is no rhyme or reason to it. And you are right, sometimes it doesn't feel like we ever "get over it".

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