Pages

Sunday, 3 March 2019

Functioning

We are functioning.  Eating a bit, sleeping fitfully, keeping ourselves clean.  Went out for a big food shop.  Avoiding talking to neighbours, they mean well but I just don't want the conversations.

I spent quite a few hours on the computer this last week.  Long blog posts take time to write, and the 'conversations' triggered by the emails and blog comments hoovered up more hours.  Time seems to have slipped onto a different plane.  I am used to glancing at the clock and thinking "hell, how come it is {insert time nearly an hour later than expected}".  But this week everything has happened in slow motion.  It's exceptionally weird.  I also spent a lot of time browsing my own blog, gosh, that does give me a lot of pleasure.  I spent so much time re-reading about Daisy, lovely to revisit old stories.  Of course, now I wish I had written about her more . . .

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride, and first thing when Daisy got up (usually an hour or so after me) that little face with HUGE ears would poke her head around the corner of the wall, looking into my study.  Not saying anything, just raised eyebrows asking the question "can you take me out please".  That's the one damn picture I never managed to take, bugger, bugger, bugger.



(see what I mean about assorted rugs everywhere)


I'm doing pretty well at remembering Daisy like this, seeing her so big and strong helps push back at the mental images of the last few days.



Right up until the very end, rugby balls were The Toy Of Choice:




This might not be a pretty portrait but it makes me happy.  April 2015 - despite horrendous disruption Daisy is secure enough to just lay down wherever her bed happened to be that afternoon and have a rest in the sun.






February 2014 - running zoomies in the wind on Sale Fell






32 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about not wanting the conversations with people no matter how well meaning they are, and functioning is probably the best you can do right now. It's good though that revisiting your stories and pictures of Daisy gives you some pleasure - I just love the one of her in the bluebells :) x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Eunice, the Rannerdale bluebell photo was one of the rare occasions these days when the place was quiet. In recent years the area has become so popular that sections have to be roped off to keep the numpties from trampling all over the plants.

      Fortunately I know other places where there are just as many bluebells and virtually no people . . . 😀

      Delete
  2. It's very early days and you seem to be coping remarkably well. I'm glad you're able to look back at earlier blog posts and that they bring you pleasure. You've certainly got some wonderful photos of Daisy, and those you didn't quite manage to take, well, they're captured in your memory to recall whenever you like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jo. Sometimes it doesn't feel as if I am coping - swan impersonations - serene on the surface and paddling like **** underneath. But it's very early days as you say.

      Delete
  3. Dear Jayne
    I agree, you seem to be doing really well. One step at a time and be kind to yourselves. Grief is a difficult thing to manage, we all have our own coping mechanisms. It's lovely that you can look at photos and remember with a smile.
    Best wishes
    Ellie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Ellie. When Ollie (our previous baby) died it was weeks before I could look at photos. With Daisy it is different - grief is a strange bugger, quite unpredictable.

      Delete
  4. Early days Jayne and you're doing well. Daisy was a beautiful girl and you can look back at all those photos knowing you gave her the best possible life and you can see she was content. I love how she was enjoying that sun puddle with chaos all around, shows she had no fear. Take time to grieve xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Eileen. The day the windows were put in she was the ONLY one who got to relax and enjoy the sun!

      Delete
  5. You have some beautiful images of Daisy and I hope they will bring you lots of comfort as you come to terms with her loss.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eileen, there are thousands . . . the majority of which will never see the blog, but I can look at them, and smile. 🐾

      Delete
  6. I understand how you feel about just geting through day to day, just functioning and also about not wanting to communicate with people at the moment. We all deal with loss in different ways and I'm glad you are finding solace in looking at all the wonderful photos you have taken over the years. Daisy and the bluebells is such a wonderful photo. Take carex

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're absolutely right Rosie, there is no one "right" way to grieve, just whatever you need to do at that moment.

      Delete
  7. Photos have an inexplicable power, as if the loved one was somehow still living through them. I am currently making up a book with the pictures of Pudding to illustrate a few fragments that my husband wrote about some moments shared with her and that are still very vivid in our minds - some of them in a moving tone, others with a lot of humour. Best wishes! Sandrine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merci Sandrine, I take great comfort in my pictures as nearly every time when I look closely at the picture I can be back exactly in the moment when it was taken. I hope your 'Pudding" book gives you similar comfort. 💚

      Delete
  8. Very early days Jayne ,,, thinking about you xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jill, I still treasure the lovely photo you took of Daisy and I last time you were here. 💚

      Delete
  9. Functioning is good, the other stuff will happen in it's own time. X

    ReplyDelete
  10. As others have said, it's still very early days in the mourning process. There's no right or wrong way - just do it your way.
    I'm enjoying catching up on your blog archives - you have some amazing photos. Have to say the bluebells one is gorgeous.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks M'dear. Glad you are enjoying looking back at old pictures. When I do that I notice how the image quality improves as my cameras have changed over the years :-)

      Delete
  11. P.s. I don't know why I'm now Mrs H - I was just Mrs! Very strange!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I did once wonder if you were Mrs K. who I went to school with . . . but clearly not, so I wouldn't worry about it!

      Delete
  12. Your blog is a wonderful way to remember Daisy because it does transport you back to the happy times (I’ve been looking at them, too). The photo with the bluebells is a stunner. DebS.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Deb. Am currently busy making even more backups than usual. Now would not be a good time for something technical to fail.

      Delete
  13. Lovely post & glad to hear you are hanging in there. I too love seeing photos of the gorgeous girl & do remember mentioning her ears when I first started to follow your blog. I also remember the feel of the them & her wet nose on my cheek. I'm trying to catch up on blog reading & know I owe you an email. Take care & huggles.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Susan, I am so glad you met Daisy and know first hand just what she was like - and got to enjoy those velvety ears. Don't worry about email darling, we both have a lot to cope with right now. xx

      Delete
  14. Understand now wanting to talk to neighbors, face to face. Understand. And it's probably easier on them too... What words can they say? And if they have pets, they know this is so true.

    You seem to be letting live flow. Which sounds about the best way, to take it. Let the stages of grief, come and go, as they will.

    Please don't continue to fret over not getting that particular picture, of her peeking around the door. This is the 2nd time you have mentioned it, so I know you are fretting. You have this picture, forever in your mind/heart. No need for it to be on your blog, or even among your personal photos. Maybe look on it, as being even more special, since you are the keeper of it.

    Gentle hugs....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bless you my dear. Thoughtful comment, as always. Wise woman you are :-)

      Delete
  15. just stopping by to let you know that you remain in my thoughts-

    as always, all wishes for peace and comfort-
    barb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Barb, so very thoughtful, thank you. We are managing - it’s only been a week, early days. xx

      Delete

I love receiving your comments, you know I do, and always try to respond to each and every one.

Sometimes it is the only way I know I am not talking to myself . . . 😊


(comments are automatically moderated on posts over a week old, I'll free them from Comment Prison as soon as I see them 😱 )