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Saturday, 23 February 2019

It's hell, but in the circumstances we have done OK today

This is hellish.  The running down of the clock, the waiting;  wanting Monday to come quick and have this all done with, and never wanting Monday to come at all.

Sorry I have not replied to the wonderful comments on my last post, but thank you all so very much.  I learnt when we had to say goodbye to Ollie just how much comfort is to be gained from such touching little notes, when friends take a moment out of their day.  And emails too, special words from special people. Remarkably few tears, until I read someone else's blog where a little conversation about Daisy and I was going on.  Then I lost it big time at just how kind and thoughtful my friends are.  Gulp.

Given the appalling circumstances, by any measure today has generally been a good day.  I maxed out the painkiller dose first thing and it's worked.  Daisy has eaten well, really "pigging out" on her favourite food, and there have been far too many milky bones and bits of duck strip.  Which is as it should be.

She has played in the garden with me twice, slowly running down the lawn, ensuring the destroyed rugby ball is well and truly knackered, a gentle game of tug.  If she can behave like this when so ill we are doing something right.

But it is terrifying that in just a couple of days the tumour has grown enough that it can just be seen underneath the skin near her tail, and sometimes her walking looks wrong, which makes sense as she's got a huge lump in her pelvis. I have absolutely no doubt or worry that we're doing the right thing at the right time.  But naively, having been through this before, I thought it would hurt much less second time around.  I was wrong. It hurts every bit as much, if not more.













It will come as no surprise to anyone that I've been mindlessly scrolling through old archives.  There will doubtless be much more reminiscing to come.







27 comments:

  1. Although you know you are doing the right thing it doesn't make the hurt any less. Sending more hugs to you and cuddles for Daisy from the Mouse House xx

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  2. My heart is with you, never, never will it be easy to do the right thing.

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  3. I’ve kept thinking about you and Daisy all day. It’s one of the hardest decisions a pet owner ever has to make but the price we pay for loving them.

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  4. all loving thoughts to you and your gorgeous Daisy ... she will be around in your heart forever-

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  5. So true about grief and love. Daisy is beautiful, I am sending you a hug.

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  6. It never gets easier Jayne. Massive hugs from us, sleep tight beautiful Daisy xx

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  7. No, I'm with Eileen, in that it never gets any easier & we'll be with you in our thoughts. Just answered the email too. Take care & big, big huggles to Daisy, you & Mgt.

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  8. I think that knowing you're doing the right thing at the right time will help, you'd never forgive yourself if you let Daisy suffer one more minute of pain than she had to, I know how important it is to you that you do the right thing for her. Unfortunately, that doesn't ease our own grief or pain, it's the price we have to pay for loving them. I know that any true animal lover will know exactly how you're feeling and the pain you're in at this moment. Sending hugs to you all xx

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  9. I am sure we all do this, but it is so easy to take our friends for granted.

    But when the chips are down and all around is a sea of shit, well, that is when you need your friends and you know who you can count on. Thank you so much for all the things you’ve said over the last few days, you will never ever know just how much difference you have all made. Thank you.

    Daisy is still OK although her decline is so rapid it’s terrifying, particularly when a week or so back, despite checking her over ourselves the only thing we could say was "getting older?" The lump is clearly affecting the top of her right leg and pressing on the nerve, she’s walking “not quite right” and the “nerve shakes” which she has had for a very long time [years] are much worse. You cannot help but wonder if there’s been a slow-burning problem for years and we never knew. I have her maxed out on painkiller and truly believe she is as happy today as she could be. The weather is quite beautiful. We are sticking to normal routine because she’s such a creature of habit and changes in her schedule unsettle her, so two short walks this morning, one with me before breakfast, and one after with M. She has pottered around the garden with me and stopped and sniffed at everything, and stopped to scent the air and close her eyes against the sunshine; New Age Woo Hoo Jayne thinks she is committing it all to memory for wherever she goes in future. She has lain on the balcony in the sun, drunk the foam from my coffee, and munched more dried duck strip. Right now she is in her bed/pod next to my desk.

    Monday - John is due here between 11.00 - 1.00pm. After morning appointments, so I do not know exactly when. And of course I cannot legislate for an emergency arriving at his surgery, which often happens on Mondays. I have already contacted the private crematorium we used with Ollie. They are about an hour away and we will take Daisy there in the afternoon.
    Guess that is all for now. Jayne, xx

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  10. Thanks for the update Jayne. It's frightening to read how fast this is affecting Daisy but I'm glad the weather is good and she can still enjoy going for her walks and being out in the garden in the sunshine while she can. So sorry, I'm crying again now :( :(

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    1. That's OK Eunice, I would share the tissues with you but I need them myself. She's sleeping now, just a few feet away from me in the sitting room.

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  11. Jayne I'm so very sorry to hear your sad news. My thoughts are with you and Max, be kind to yourselves and take comfort from the fact that Daisy had the very best life with you right until the very end. I will be thinking of you tomorrow ,,,, without doubt you are doing the right thing. Much love to you all, Jill xxx

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  12. I'm in tears reading this (and your previous posts which I've just caught up on). These animals are with us for such a short time, yet provide such loving memories and provide so much love. I am sure Daisy has had the most wonderful life with you, she looks such a happy creature. Having lost my Leo last April, I know just how hard it is to let go. My thoughts are with you all. Take care.

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  13. Sorry to hear your news. Love and prayers for you and for Daisy. x

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  14. I'm so sorry you're losing her, how lucky she is to have humans who have looked after her so well, including making hard decisions about her

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  15. Think of you today (Monday) sending hugs and wuffs xxxx

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  16. Dear Jayne,

    I've only just caught up with your last two posts and am so wishing I could give you a hug. (just what you want from a complete stranger at such a time :-)). Thinking of you and hoping today went as well and as easily as is possible in such a heart breaking situation. She is so lucky to have you both to love her and put her needs first. xx

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  17. I'm so sorry to hear about Daisy. I haven't read your blog in a few weeks and was totally shocked(and now I'm crying) with the news. How devastating for you and your husband. I've enjoyed reading of her adventures and funny antics. You gave her a wonderful life and always put her needs before your own. Please accept my sincere condolences.

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